Monday, August 17, 2009

f im f-ing tired.

look at the stars ;

i find myself very weird at times. times like that, when im effing stressed out and all i do is come to this place to seek repose. it is not that i dont normally feel at peace, see i dont even know what the hell im talking about. im so afraid, that actually i have already lost myself. i am bloody scared, because i am bloody unprepared for this pile of shit. i have barely two weeks. and i want to fucking ace it. fuck dreams.

look at the stars ;

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

to hope for the best? or maybe not. yea. this probably sums up my life. or the other way round. i've never believed i could achieve much. smart? yea sure maybe. but best? doubt it. but the best is what i've always been secretly wishing for. i mean, come on. RGS? NYGH? Rj? HCj? get a life. those are damn top schools. but it is when im secretly wishing that i cant show anything. because im afraid that i dont get there. people might laugh, as they always do. so i bastardise myself by dsa-ing. stupidest choice ever. if i can be in rj, i'll probably be stuck in BCME without a life and fighting for that damn medicine place. but no, i am in vj and i have to live with it. 1 and a half years, and i'm still regretting it. maybe my gift is adapting. i'm amazed at how well i have adapted, despite regretting now and then. there's not much time to waste, concert is tmr and i havent practised much.

by the way, dont trust anyone who tells you the talented dont have to practise. they bloody do. just that they take a shorter time than the rest. so wake up, and start practising. you aint got enough in you to get away without practice. damn the solo, damn the world.

look at the stars ;

Thursday, January 08, 2009

saw you online for the first time after that day. my heart is racing so quickly it might pop out. it still hurts very badly. wish i could talk to you. you know your msn convo window was the hearts background?

can't take it when everything's coming all at once. now i just want my mummy to be alright. because i know with time i'll get over you. and family is my priority now. if something really happens to her, i dont know if i have the strength to carry on. my heart is really wrenching right now. i dont wanna hurt her anymore. she's so worried about me in addition to her health problems. used to think i'll commit suicide if she dies. but i know God will only bring me to situations He knows i can handle. so i wont give up easily. but when all things come together, i fear of what i'll do. it hurts too badly.

on the other hand, i can really feel my body screwing up. head hurts but cant sleep, feel weak and lost weight but cant eat. feeling like such a wreck and having to smile for everyone else is just so painful and tiring.

i love my mummy the most in this world. and God will bring me through all these although it hurts so badly.

look at the stars ;

you see, problem is i feel schizo. i mean there's this supposedly normal side of me, trying to cope with everything but cant sleep and cant eat. and there's a psychologist side of me, trying to tell the other side that hey, you will collapse soon. and both sides don't want to collapse. don't want you to come back to me because it'll just mean it's more difficult to let go later on. but the normal side's really weird. seriously can't eat so i've been wasting money buying food and throwing it all away. i mean it, not even half eaten. and then i can't sleep because i wake up like what, every 20 mins?

so i've been drinking alot of water. i hope i don't die from it. i don't wanna die, i wanna get over it, but you see, my body is defying my brain. my heart is controlling my body and my brain just can't seem to win. so i'm pretty torn apart right now. so what else can i do? pretend that i'm sleeping at night and pretend i've eaten outside and i'm not starving myself.

don't wanna hurt my mum, she said im her sunshine and where have i disappeared to? oh man. it cuts really deep. i know by continuously posting here i am clinging onto it. but i really can't do anything else. i won't call you i won't msg you because i don't wanna get back together and if we go back to being friends now, it might just very well happen. i don't wanna get back together because i don't wanna see you hurt and struggling alone, trying to make decisions and having to pacify my insecurities. and of course, i don't wanna get hurt again. i rather hurt so badly now and leave it away. only then, am i confident to get back to being friends with you again. but the problem is, i don't even know if i can survive this.

i once told you i have 5 layers. now i tell you there are 6. the most bottom layer is my heart and the second most bottom layer is my brain, where i tell myself everything will be fine. kinda ashamed to be exposing my layers to others. i don't want my heart to win. i don't want to hurt so badly again. i guess this is really my first major setback?

feel like im being thrown into the adult's world with a child's body. i'm being forced to face the world and the cruelties of it. i'm sorry for myself because i shouldn't have plunge right into it. guess i wanted you for namesake initially and to try it out. but having tried it out, i rather i didn't. but some lessons are better learn this way aren't they?

very scared that you aren't okay. i hope you're writing a lot in your diary if that helps you release your emotions. i just have a feeling you're hurting much more than i am. because after all, you had to come to this decision on your own.

but then again, maybe i'm just being stupid and trying to convince myself you aren't a jerk. but i really believe you aren't. trust me. i half hope you're reading this but i know you won't. then again, i don't want you to read all these. because it was the other way round, i'll get even more hurt and want to get back together even more.

i guess we'll just leave things be and move on. no more relationships till university (omg that's next year). or until i'm more ready and mature. guess i won't plunge into these kinda things anymore. God will be here to help me get over this, He'll carry me through. hopefully He will carry you through too.

i want to stop hurting because it's hurting the people around me. or maybe just my mum. but thinking of you every single minute isn't helping. too many memories you left with me that i can't help but tear everytime i think of it. but thank you for the memories dear. at least i have memories and a past.

and if you're reading this, i just want to say that eh you cheat, you promised you wont come here ever again. and that i mean every entry i type here. and that you weren't lying entirely to me. and thank you for letting me go now. and i love you. and i'll try to stop loving you. and everytime i see you, i can't speak what i want to because i'm at such a loss of words. like you said, words aren't enough to express. and if anything, i know you're lying because your eyes gave you away. i can safely say that i understand you more than the other kids because we've been spending so much time together. i love you dear. you'll be my only dahlinks i promise. will i be yours too?

look at the stars ;

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

i've been thinking alot. but i guess it's because it's all too sudden. i think you know me too well, because when i think of the possible real reason you did this, i know that i will brush it aside like i did that night. and you know this too. you were not lying when you said im too happy for you. im naively optimistic about life as a whole. and you did get into this relationship trying out. not because of compatibility, but because you wanted us to prove you wrong. and i thought with my optimism, we can fight everything. but look now, we've become another statistic and im sorry i did not prove you wrong.

i know that night when you cried, you really meant it. so this is just like that night, only the outcome is different. i have so many things to tell you. my heart says yes. that i should tell you everything i slowly realised these past few days. but my brain says no, that this will only cause the both of us more hurt. im being stupid, pining for you. but please know that i'll be stupid only for you. only for you. i love you

look at the stars ;

came online because i cant sleep. heart tells me to call you, to get back to you, brain says no. the song you like, that's what you get when you let your heart wins, keeps repeating in my mind. feel so lost and helpless typing in the night in the middle of the night. family and friends cant see this. sometimes i just am so tired of keeping up this false veneer and you know what, you used to make everything so simple. wish you could take the pain away. wish it was all different. figuring what the problem might be, i cant stop loving you. stop making me hate you, by trying, you're making me love you even so much more.

idk what to say. if this is your decision, i'll respect it. just want you to know im not some typical ij girl who will call you a jerk to my girlfriends, cry cry and forget about it. because you're no a jerk and even if you are, you're a jerk only for me.

i know i have to eat, gastric is so annoying. but i just cant eat anything. never thought i could hurt this way. please God, help me.

look at the stars ;

Monday, January 05, 2009

i still love you i still love you. i cannot sleep i cannot do anything humans do. i am at a loss and i want to see you. i want to know why. i want you to stop me from hurting so badly like you always do. i love you i love you. i dont love having a boyfriend, i love you. i promise. i want to go over to you now. i love you. i really do. i didnt even know i loved you so much till yesterday. i really love you. even if you stopped loving me, i will still love you. i love all the little things you do i love you. [:

look at the stars ;

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

if you haven't already realised, people do not like being compared. i know you're not comparing us. but just that showing me how much the two of you have in common annoys me. i mean, what do you want seriously. do i feel good? no sorry i feel lousy because it seems to me that you're saying that both of you have more in common than both of us. then why don't you get together huh ? i know i am being a bitch but i have the right to because i feel insecure. i am pretty annoyed and hormonal right now because you make me feel like we're totally not compatible. but oh well, maybe this is how life is supposed to be ain't it. and this is the perfect time to use her favourite cynicism about love being warped. thanks so much.

look at the stars ;

Friday, October 31, 2008

you know, when trying your best isn't enough. and you're so tired all you can think about is sleep. yea, i should stop complaining because i hate it when others do that. then again, i'm ranting to myself so yay [: okay im so tired now i dont know what to say. thinking of what more's coming is totally worsening my mood. i should return to my work.

look at the stars ;